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Ennervations

 
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RMCrookes
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Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 1117
Location: West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:15 pm    Post subject: Ennervations Reply with quote

This should really have gone out before christmas but I've only just dug it out.
(With apologies to Jen for filling this forum with crap)

Ennervations

I'm sure that you've all struggled
Buying presents for relations.
Here's an end to all your problems
In this little publication.

It really is remarkable
And there can surely be no doubt
There are items in this catalogue
You cannot live without:-

A set of dentist's drill bits
To fit your Black and Decker
A tennis-playing garden gnome
Resembling Boris Becker.

To keep your children quiet
Try our brand new skinless drum.
Here's a game of carpet rugby
With a lifesize, cut-out scrum.

For the lazy modelmaker
We've got pre-assembled kits.
An ultra violet hairbrush
For electrocuting nits.

A box of canine flashcards
To teach your dog to bark,
Luminous pyjamas
For reading in the dark.

If your prize herbaceous borders
Are being fouled by next door's cat-
Let dehydrated anti-matter
Put a stop to that!

A pen with several cartridges
Of everlasting ink,
A one inch television set
In case you start to shrink.

A nasal hair remover -
Remote controlled, so I assume
You can depilate your nostrils
Whilst you're in another room.

What you've really (really) always wanted -
An official 'spice girls' loofah,
A liposuction nozzle
That attaches to you hoover.

A polystyrene helmet
To stop your partner snoring.
A refrigerated bodysuit
To cope with global warming.

Some fireproof tobacco
To help you give up smoking
A perforated piston
That never needs de-coking.

Why not astroturf your garden
To beat the hosepipe ban?
If greenhouse gas proliferates
There's our patent, windpowered fan.

A TV detector van detector
So you'll never need a license,
Our special meditation tapes -
An hour of perfect silence.

If you know a baldy
There's a handy toothless comb.
A gigantic perspex wok
For your own Millennium dome.

A thermal 'Greenpeace' dufflecoat
With trendy whalebone toggles
The observers book of cowpats
Complete with 3D goggles.

Parabolic chopsticks
For eating ripe bananas,
Miniature false teeth
For OAP pirhanas.

Cats and dogs galoshes -
There'll be no more dirty paws,
For the family alcoholic -
Some solid drinking straws.

Let our flesh coloured fibre glass
Eradicate your wrinkles,
Don't go without a spiral fork
For ease when eating winkles.

For you up-and-coming druids
There's a bag of plastic runes,
A set of hi-tech dentures
That whistle pre-set tunes.

At last - perpetual motion
From a simple friction motor,
Some grape sweetening syrup
If you're not a labour voter.

Cut down on the drudgery
With our one-size stretch-fit slippers
Cleverly designed
With integral toenail clippers.

This rubber bust of Elvis
Is a handy ketchup squirter,
Do you need flatulence trousers
With catalytic converter?

A shoulder mounted tripod
To aid standing on the head,
If you're an over active burglar,
Beware passive infra-red.

Some imitation bunions
If you've got a wooden leg,
An ectoplasmic smoke alarm
Endorsed by Mystic Meg.

Bermuda shorts in day-glo
For surfing on the net,
A litter tray interface
For your cyberpet.

If limited edition
Collecting is your hobby -
A Royal Doulton porcelain
Figurine of Mr Blobby.

If you're in a chain gang
There's this years latest craze -
Some line dancing tapes
To brighten up your days.

Some 'crush on impact' bulls horns
To stop you getting gored.
I could go on all evening
But I'm sure you're getting bored.

So if you thought that you had everything
You've surely been misguided
So please send off your order form
In the envelope provided.

We accept all major credit cards,
And even ration books,
And please make out all your cheques
To Mr Richard Crookes.


copyright Richard Crookes 1997
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Ian Moore
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 680
Location: Forres, Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 12:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got all that.

I assume, Richard, you've heard the ebay song? ...

http://www.geoffellis.com/ebay.html

But very impressed. Looks like you're a natural comic writer. You written any doodles yet?
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RMCrookes
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Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 1117
Location: West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No I hadn't heard that Ian - I'm totally out of touch and no I haven't done anything yet. You'll be the first to know if and when. I'm wrestling with a big greeting card job at the moment which refuses to roll over and give up.
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opticalparadox
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Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going through a slight ebay fetish at the mo. Am watching a few items in an attempt to treat myself for a change. Actaually there is a skirt I am thinking of buying that you 2 might appreciate, being into graphic novels etc >> http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=005&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&viewitem=&item=150076374377&rd=1&rd=1 - Apologies, slightly off topic....
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RMCrookes
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Posts: 1117
Location: West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's great - don't think it would suit me - but you know now that if you get it, you'll have to model it on here don't you. Keep us posted

Or maybe Ian is now putting in a higher bid.
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Ian Moore
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 680
Location: Forres, Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh dear. How quickly my 2 fashion gurus are toppled. Don't want to repress anybody's creative expression but I forbid you to buy it.
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Wendy W
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Joined: 05 Aug 2005
Posts: 632
Location: england

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Buy it! Buy it!

I would buy it.
I'm not sure I would wear it though.

Buy it! Buy it!
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opticalparadox
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Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bought it now. Might wear it next time we visit the fab cafe....Sorry Richard for highjacking your thread. Keep 'em coming...
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RMCrookes
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Posts: 1117
Location: West Yorkshire

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congratulations! - don't apologise Jen- there's nothing I like better than having my thread hijacked. That's what makes this fun.

Just don't start anymore like that 'Trust Me I'm a Healer?' one, that's all!
Phew! glad that ones over.

yes we must all get over to that cafe sometime - I haven't forgotten.
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opticalparadox
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not really a cafe, it's definitely a bar, they do sell alcohol....and space raiders and candy necklaces...and play loud music and strange sci-fi porn flicks. An odd place indeed. I think there is one in Manchester and Liverpool as well as Leeds. Anywho.
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RMCrookes
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We're a bit booked up this month with one thing and another (off to see John Martyn at the Lowry at the end of the month - he's doing the whole of 'Solid Air' if that means anything to you) but we must try and arrange a get together perhaps in Feb. I'll let you know if any dates are better for us or not.

Must try and get some sleep tonight - falling apart
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opticalparadox
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds good to me. I am hoping to have a romantic liason next weekend....
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RMCrookes
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Jen
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opticalparadox
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope, I keep asking this guy to visit for the weekend but he always has an excuse. He has come once before and says he will again sometime in the future that never arrives. I am always attracted to the shy / reserved / insecure chaps but then it takes forever to get anywhere and I end giving myself completely and receiving hardly anything in return. When I finally do receive some lovin or whatever, it is fantastic but it takes ages to get off the ground. Reminds me of my ex. Bit upset now, I am seriously stating to miss human contact / being in a relationship. Sad
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Ian Moore
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
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Location: Forres, Scotland

PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 10:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to hear about that, Jen. I want to offer some helpful words, only I'm not sure what they should be and I'm not sure if I'm to right person to give advice, etc. I get out of the house a lot more than you and mix with more people than you, but I still find that special person hasn't crossed my path yet.

Steve, at Destiny Discussion, thinks I believe in Buddhist non-attachment, but that's not true. I think desiring things/people is a really important part of us and life would be stripped of meaning without desires. I would never advise that we try not to have any, or try to repress them. I am big, though, on the idea that we don't NEED to get the things we desire, in order to be ourselves and be happy. I also find that the less needy I feel about a particular desire, the more likely it is that I will actually get it. Do you ever experience that or does it sound like I'm spouting baloney?

So...

Desire everything, need nothing and accept what turns up.

Don't be afraid to say if you think I'm talking nonsense.
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