Joined: 12 May 2006
Location: West Yorkshire
|Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 11:19 am Post subject: The Ballad of the Space Race
|The Ballad of the Space Race
I'll tell you a tale of discovery.
The space-race were what it were called.
it happened when I were a young 'un
In the sixties, before I went bald.
There were only two real contenders
U.S.A. and U.S.S.R.
To land on the moon were the object.
Some thought that were going too far.
A dog were the first one in orbit,
Making Russia the first off the mark,
When most average western canines
Were content with a stroll round the park.
When it came down again three days later,
Poor thing, it were red in the face.
One thing that they hadn't thought of
There aren't any lamp posts in space.
When interviewed by Radio Moscow,
They asked , "Didn't you think it was risky
Sending you up in a capsule?
The dog coolly answered Woof Woofski
They were chuffed to bits in the Kremlin,
Being one-up on the Yanks.
So they bought him a gold-plated kennel,
And a bone, as a gesture of thanks.
Not long after, believing this venture,
In terms of experience was ample,
They volunteered Yuri Gagarin
To follow the doggy's example.
Once more, it were vodka all round
At this gallant young major's success,
And they feasted on hot beetroot soup
Garnished with mustard and cress.
Meanwhile, in his room in the White House
The President fairly took ill.
"Come on now lads, pull up your socks.
The Russians are winning two - nil"
So the boffins down at Cape Canaveral
Sat burnin' the midnight oil
With a cardboard tube, some gunpowder,
A stick and a roll of tin foil.
One of the things they came up with,
Although everyone cheered and clapped
Was a rocket powered by popcorn,
Which for some reason, had to be scrapped.
It was thirsty work for the scientists
Inventing the lunar-module.
It's said that they drank enough Pepsi to fill
Liberace's piano-shaped pool.
The next task were finding the pilots.
They had to have men they could trust.
It were no good employin' a fella
Who had never eaten his crusts.
Armstrong and Aldrin and Wotsisname
Were the three good men and true.
I can't remember what last one were called
I'm sorry, I haven't a clue.
At last they were ready for off,
The three brave astronauts.
And then there was a slight delay
While one had to change his shorts.
You could tell that he were nervous.
He were all of a quiver, poor soul.
He'd shaken lands with his loved ones
And blown kisses to mission-control.
The last few seconds ticked away,
Five, four, three, two, one.
A blinding flash, a puff of smoke
And the whole caboodle 'ad gone!
As they sailed up through the stratosphere
A fiery stringless kite,
'They peered out through the porthole
And the Russians were nowhere in sight.
"We'll soon 'De there." says Armstrong.
Like Noah, sailing his ark,
They cruised around for a while,
Looking for somewhere to park
Not finding a free parking meteor,
Wotsisname said he would wait.
He weren't that much fussed about landing,
And what's more, it were getting quite late.
"Well, suit yerself," said the others,
"But were going down just the same,
And if you're going to sit there sulking
No-one'll ever remember your name."
So it came to pass that they landed
With a typical lack of humility,
The United States of America
Touched down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
"Well, 'ere's a queer do." says Buzz Aldrin,
I expect that the tide must be out.
We've come all this way, and it looks like
I've fetched me cossie for nowt!"
"It's one small step for man... "
Neil Armstrong started to brag,
But he swallered his words in mid-sentence,
'Cos he thought that he'd spotted a flag.
He got straight on to the blower
To the lads back at mission-control.
"You've spotted a what?" came the answer.
Well, that sent 'im right up the pole.
"You 'eard me the first time, cloth'ead
A flag!" Aldrin joined in, in chorus.
"And as you're the ones with the radar,
You tell us who's got 'ere before us
Now, don't get yourself in a bother.
You'll just have to go over and see.
And get your 'air combed lad, an' all,
It's going out live on T.V.!"
Well, that put a stop to the tantrum,
And deciding to sort 'im out later,
They set off, all smiles for the cameras,
And climbed to the top of a crater.
And there in the distance below them,
Three figures could just be made outs
And a big pile of dust with a flag on.
A red one, there could be no doubt,
Buzz Aldrin took out 'is spyglass
And said, "Now 'ere's a fine pickle,
If I'm not mistaken that there's a red rose
After all, not the 'ammer and sickle."
And on closer inspection, the dust-pile
Were a castle, and there in the shade,
With a knotted 'ankie on top of 'is 'ead
Were a lad with a bucket and spade.
"Well, I'll be blowed," says Buzz Aldrin
"That's Albert, I'm sure as can be,
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom an' all,
They're just sittin' down to their tea."
Well Armstrong sat down with 'is 'ead in 'is 'ands
His spirits were not in ascension.
His mate said, "What you need's a cuppa owd lad,
I'll try and attract their attention."
"Look Mother, on top of that crater,"
The young lad started to say.
"Shush Albert! Try and ignore them,
And 'appen they'll just go away.
"They're comin' over, " says Albert,
"You know, Mam they don't 'alf look queer."
"They're probably just selling tickets
For the show at the end of the pier."
Pa 'ad just tucked into a tub of ice-cream,
And he fair near swallered 'is spoon,
When a voice said, "My name's Neil Armstrong.,
The first man to land on the moon."
"Don't try and tell me that you got 'ere first,
We've bin 'ere best part of a week.
And you can stick yer star-spangled banner
Right up yer proverbial beak,'
"Now let's not start a fight," says Ma,
"I'm sure we can all be chums
And handing round a plate of cakes
Said "Get these round your gums."
Pa, he weren't accustomed
to swallow 'is Lancashire pride
But Ma were thinking faster,
And took 'im to one side.
"Now, you might like to open
A transatlantic rift,
But, don't forget we're stuck 'ere
And could do wi' scroungin' a lift."
So then, both smiling sweetly,
They went to rejoin the feast,
And luckily, neither astronaut
Noticed anything in the least.
"Well, we'll have to be off now, says Armstrong,
"It's well past six o'clock
And we promised we'd take back Wotsisname
At least a sample of rock.
"If it's rock you want, " said mother,
Jumping in rather quick
"We know just the place you're after,
Where they sell it by the stick.".
"And there's hundreds and hundreds of flavours,
And big sugar dummies an' all.
In fact, if you like we could show you,
It's really no trouble at all."
So that's how they all came home safely
And, what's more they all came home as mates.
The Ramsbottoms went back to Blackpool.
And the astronauts back to the States.
Now, How the Ramsbottoms got there
To give answers, I haven't the power,
And I'm not one to disclose a secret,
But it were summat to do with the Tower.